Wrong Side of the Bed - A Self-Insert Story
by Sh4d0wS14d3
Summary: Once upon a time, I woke up in my bed. That was a long time ago, seeing that I've yet to wake up in my bed for a while now. I fall asleep, and I wake up in somebody else's bed completely! I don't even stay in the bed I fell asleep in either. It's a traveling conundrum, indeed. Based off Admiral Tigerclaw's Sleeping with the Girls. MLP's just the first stop.
1. Chapter 1: An Introduction to Gravity

Pre-Note: This is based off of Admiral Tigerclaw's story, Sleeping with the Girls. I don't own any part of this story other than my self-insert.

* * *

"See you, Tommy!"

I watch my brother go off in the distance with his slightly banged up car, leaving me and our parents home in our pretty nice, yet small home.

Guess it's time to pull out the old 3DS he just gave me, and play a few games.

Or play Hyperdimension Neptunia V (Which he bought me.) on the PS3. (_Which he gave me_.)

That's a really good game, there, and I love the fourth-wall shenanigans.

_But I really need to get a job, and pay him back for all the things. Like this game._

Or sleep. I did stay up with him playing Super Smash Bros. Melee with each other.

_Hah! I win with Sheik and I don't even play Sheik! Good times._

Sleep sounds good. I should do that.

/yawn

I'm too lazy to take off all the things I have on, and I never change in pajama, anyway, so I just walk over to Tommy's bed and…

_I'm actually going to sleep? Must be a Christmas mira-_

Load up the PS3 that's right next to said bed. Looks like I'm playing Neptunia anyway. I'm never too tired for video games until I fall unconscious or just can't aim!

_Damn it._

* * *

Cold.

Fucking cold!

Why is it so fucking cold?!

I open my eyes and note my position: In the air, falling from the sky.

Oh. Shit.

_Oh, chlorophyll._

Alright. First things first. Scream for help even though there's absolutely no possible chance for it to happen.

"HELP! I'M FALLING AND CAN'T GET BACK UP!"

Meh. Close enough.

_Seriously, I just said that? Of all things to scream while falling to my doom?!_

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I HAVE THINGS TO DO LIKE GET A JOB OR SOMETHING!"

I mean, I want to pay back Tommy for all the things he got me, and beat all the games I have, and-

_What is WITH my priorities?!_

I continue falling, screaming out things I'd rather do other than falling.

* * *

Rainbow Dash had her good days and bad days, just like everypony else. Getting blown off by the Wonderbolts and trying to deal with the avalanche of animals that Fluttershy somehow unleashed was definitely considered a bad day. 'Best Night Ever' my-

"HELP! I'M FALLING AND CAN'T GET BACK UP!"

A very loud scream of terror shook her out of her thoughts. Who said that? Was somepony in her house?

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I HAVE THINGS TO DO LIKE GET A JOB OR SOMETHING!"

That sounded like it came from below! He needs help!

"WHY AM I FALLING HOW DID I EVEN GET HERE?!"

She rushed out of her home, and jumped off, using her wings to guide her to the-

"THIS IS THE WORST WAKING SPOT IN THE HISTORY OF THINGS THAT I DON'T KNOW!"

Looks like a minotaur with clothes?

Oh, nevermind that! Answers later, save now!

She quickly dives out of her house, and catches up to the falling….thing. An easy catch from an angle, and done.

Not even a single injury. Score!

* * *

Well, I expected a very rough landing, yet it feels that instead of landing and becoming a very large splat on the ground, I'm still alive and being carried in flight.

Math Fact: You were falling at an estimated speed of 20 m/s and the ground looked like a zooming image. I'd say you had around 3 more seconds before a BAD END.

I guess screaming for help actually did something. So, what sav-

Brain. Reboot. Now.

_Reboot in progress._

_13%_

_67%_

_100%. Reboot success._

_Image reloaded. No alteration in image aside from the moving background._

So. I got saved by Rainbow Dash?

_And this definitely doesn't feel like a dream._

I remember the times I wished I was in Equestria. A little later afterwards, I remembered that Cutie Mark Failure Insanity Syndrome is possibly a thing, and that everypony in Ponyville sans the other Mane 6 was basically mind-raped because one Twilight Sparkle was worried about missing a weekly report.

_That killed that want rather quickly, eh?_

So. Equestria.

How'd I get here, anyway?

_Great question._

Actually, nevermind how I got here. She's still carrying me. Where am I being taken now?

_Well, we're akin to something Rainbow Dash has never seen, right? Therefore, Fluttershy for creature identification, or Twilight Sparkle, for general egghead stuff._

I bet Twilight. / _I bet Fluttershy._

You're on. / _You're on._

* * *

*flap*

Ponyville was in view.

*flap*

Seeing Ponyville yourself is quite a sight. You see these stores, decorated over the top, in ways you would only see in carnivals and the like. There's Sugarcube Corner, blatantly recognizable, and there's Rarity's place. Carnival Boutique? Pretty sure that's the wrong name.

_And there's the library. What was it called again? Golden Oaks Library?_

*flap*

Hah! I win. It's Twilight!

_There was an equal chance it would be Fluttershy, you know._

*flap*

And she's still carrying me.

*flap*

"Uh. You can let me down now. I'm pretty sure I can walk and find my way." I say politely.

*flap*

"You can talk?"

"Yes! We speak the same language! I kept expecting some different dialect, making it a pain to communicate. What's the name of the language anyway?"

*flap*

"Equuish."

"English. Hehe. This is going to have a lot of bad puns."

*flap*

"So, can I walk now? I want to go to that library. For research. And puns."

"Egghead."

"Bah. I read because every story is a universe. I wonder if I can find a reference to my world in yours. I certainly found yours in mine."

She stops to land, allowing me to get on my feet.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'd explain it to you when we get there."

And then we start walking. Or more accurately, I start walking, and she flies again.

*flap*

I'm definitely jealous. I would love flying. Then again, I would love magic. Or pretty much anything that's not normal ground-pounding. I hate walking.

_And doctors, and lawyers, and cops. Hehe._

The walk was completely uneventful, surprisingly. I spent the time walking to check my inventory.

I was wearing my grey jacket (it looks like leather, but I still have no idea what it's made of.), blue jeans, my Minecraft Creeper shirt (Do I Creep You Out?), was wearing mismatched fingerless gloves, and was wearing my old digital watch on my left hand, and the new analog watch I got from Christmas on my right. In my pockets, there was my iPod (I forgot to take it out and plug it into my computer, so it was about half battery life), two cellphone batteries, a harmonica, a pen, and some very non-working earphones. On my belt, there was my old metal zip-chain, originally a keychain, but the chain broke so it only extended about a foot.

What can I say, my jacket holds everything, and I fall asleep with my jacket. And I keep forgetting I even have the metal zip-chain sometimes.

Other ponies stared at me while we walked down the road, yet there wasn't panic, or anything really.

The panic would have more preferable to the staring, me thinks. It's just unnerving, like a man walking to his executioner.

_...Great job, now you're even MORE nervous._

"Alright. This complete silence in a busy street is just making me angsty. Then again, I really can't deal with pure silence that well. I expected a certain pink pony to have popped out already, actually."

"She's working almost all today at the Cakes. Wait. You know about Pinkie Pie?"

"Yeah. I'm actually pretty worried about how I'm going to react to surprises like that. At home, I could literally count down the seconds to events that were going to happen. Even if things were pretty chaotic in the household, it was ordered chaos. For example, my dad getting home, approximately 16 seconds after he walks through the door, he tells me to take out the dog. 13 seconds afterwards, he turns on the TV, and gets ready to nap off because of the general obliviousness of people at his work really annoys him. About 1 hour after I get back in the house, he tells me to cook dinner. If he doesn't, that means either it's ordered, or Mom's bringing home dinner."

I continue on, completely oblivious to the fact that my ADHD is kicking in, and I'm starting to say anything that comes to mind.

"Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie. There is no way in my nine hells, or your Tartarus that I can predict her at this time. To steal a term from a game series I like, she's Chaotic Good, with emphasis on Chaotic."

"Speaking of Chaotic Good, what was the last event that happened here? Ponyville itself gets hit with a lot of things, so, I'm curious."

She stares at me, wondering what I'll spout next.

_I'm wondering that too, you're spouting more information than you should._

"The Grand Galloping Gala was yesterday, if that's what you mean." she allows.

A little half-smile forms on my lips.

"I'm torn between glad I avoided that, and sad that I couldn't have changed the events to improve what happened."

A questioning glance from her prompts me to give a full response.

"The free catering would have screwed Applejack, the animals are even more sheltered than Fluttershy, Celestia herself would have been plenty busy dealing with the guests and wouldn't have been able to talk with Twilight, Blueblood is the embodiment of narcissism, as far as I'm aware, Pinkie Pie didn't know the type of party, and the Wonderbolts most probably hate being put there being shoved with a bunch of rich people wanting to hobnob with them."

Hehe. Hobnob. Hobnob, hobnob, hobnob. Fun word.

"How do you-"

"Improvements could have happened with a bit of research, actually. While Applejack couldn't have sold her normal meals, she could have prepared some 'fancy limited edition' version of her food so that people would buy it. Things are bought because gimmicks. Probably something like apple pies shaped like an apple or a gold coin. If Fluttershy tried talking to the gardener in the Royal Gardens, then her disaster might have been avoided. The gardener must have been aware of how skittish the animals there were. Twilight's…."

Huh. I'd think something would come to mind.

"I got nothing, since Celestia is going to be introducing the guests no matter what. It'll probably been sometime afterwards that she'd get a chance to talk with Celestia. Rarity might not have been able to meet with her dream prince, but she could have had a chance to talk with the upper Canterlot nobles. Pinkie Pie just didn't know what sort of party it was."

I point at her.

"And for you, the Wonderbolts would have been pretty unresponsive for a lot of things. They would have hated the event about as much as you did, since it's stuffy politics instead of stunt flight. I guess you initiating a conversation on flying techniques would have been the best bet, if you don't accidentally go fangirl. It'll probably have net you a free ticket to a Wonderbolts show, or an invitation to the Wonderbolts Academy or something."

She stops flying, lands on the ground with an audible clop and I notice we're at the library door.

...That is one very small door.

_For once in your life, you're tall._

It's at my chest level!

*knock knock*

Alright, now time to talk to the purple-

The door opens with a push from a familiar claw.

Oh yeah. Purple dragon. Spike, the number one assistant.

"Hey Twilight! Rainbow Dash is here with-"

Spike stops and looks at me.

"Huh."

I smile and wave.

"Hi, I'm a stranger. Can I come in?"

* * *

"I remember reading somebody's theory that every single story of fiction that's actually possible to happen is a different universe, like if you took a left step out of bed instead of a right. You don't go frontflip suddenly into the wall, instead, because that's just impossible at the moment." I say.

_*snerk*_

Shut up, jumping out of bed is perfectly good idea sometimes. And it was a good dream.

"There's a TV show in my universe called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, about the slice of life and adventures of six close friends. Actually, your entire culture is somewhat related to mine. The Wonderbolts are very similar to the Blue Angels, Manhattan and Manehatten, stuff like that. Even one of our favorite stories is in your universe - Indiana Jones and Daring Do."

"So, you're saying that our universe is one of many?" Twilight questions.

I note Rainbow Dash sleeping on a little beanie bag in the corner. I loved those things in the library. They're awesome to sleep on. All I get is this wooden stool. I hate stools, I always fall out of them if I'm not careful.

"Yeah. From Ace Attorney to Familiar of Zero. I'm kind of glad of all universes it was the Friendship is Magic-verse instead of somewhere dangerous, like the original My Little Pony."

She threw a slight glare at me, most likely thinking of Nightmare Moon, that Hydra, or whatever villains she had to put down with the rest of the Mane 6.

"You have your villains and monsters, yes, but the original My Little Pony had basically possible genocidal events happening literally every other week, from what I understand. Of all the universes that are the most dangerous, it's the little girl's TV show. Villains are almost only beaten with the combined response of luck and a random artefact. At least Friendship is Magic has random artefacts and actual skill with their abilities, as well as limitations on said artefacts to avoid evil uses and the knowledge that it's a last resort, and only as a last resort."

"Speaking of the Elements of Harmony, how do you think you're attuned to it? I mean, obviously by displaying the trait of each Element, but do you think it's soulbound, to-those-who-are-worthy types, or what? I mean, you were probably attuned to it before you met your friends."

I get up and start pacing.

"Dash's Sonic Rainboom may be her Loyalty element empowering her to give her the ability, seeing that the only times she's used it was when she was loyal to another. Pinkie Pie's Pinkie Sense may be her Laughter element, since harm isn't funny. Fluttershy's Stare makes me think of the phrase, 'Cruel to be kind.', and your magic is probably empowered by your friendship with Cadence, your brother and Spike, before meeting the others. I don't know how to connect Rarity's Element though, and I don't have any access to the Elements of Harmony directly so this is completely a theory I made up off my head."

"Some things may also be different from what I know." I noted and pointed out to Rainbow Dash. Or more accurately, what Rainbow Dash was sleeping on.

"The library was never shown with one of those beanie bags in the show. It being there indicates children who frequent the library to read, which was never shown in my version of your universe. I'd probably have never noticed that, if I didn't frequent the library myself when I was younger. Those things are comfy."

"So, this is what you call an alternative universe?"

I actually expected less logical thinking from Twilight and more freaking out. Silly me. Although, she's probably taking the theory I have too.

_Everything is fake, everything is real. There's no actual starting point, just interconnecting lines. It's pretty fun to think about._

"It was already known it was an alternative universe. How else can I be here without that happening? Plus, the Grand Galloping Gala happened yesterday. From my perspective, that's the Season 1 Finale. We're at Season 4. Although, this also could be a universe based off some fanfiction."

"Fan-fiction?"

"Yeah. Some popular stories give questions that make you think, 'What if this happened instead of this?'. Like, what if you were researching a new version of a teleport spell, and it brought you to a new world via a magical overload or something? What if the Sonic Rainboom didn't happen? What if another universe was crossed over to yours, like Sonic the Hedgehog, or Halo, or ours? There was also the question of, what if Nightmare Moon won, but that's already known. Everybody dies due to the combined cold of eternal night, as well as the lack of sunlight providing nutrients for plants and animals. And just about all of these are explored by the fans of each story. Although, the most popular story was a self insert, 'what if a human was brought into Equ-."

I facepalmed. She giggled at that. I think she got the joke too.

_To be fair, you set up your own trap there. Self-insert indeed._

"So, technically, I may or may not know your future. Your universe is an alternative universe from the original story I know, it's already proven different from the universe I know due to my existence in your world. Especially since I'm interacting with you in particular. You're the Element of Magic, you're Celestia's protege, you helped saved Luna with the other girls, and you're the-"

I cut myself off before I could say Princess of Friendship. Because that's a spoiler, and I'm trying NOT to spoil events that could spiral off and doom the world. After all, what if knowing she might become a princess stops her from becoming a princess? I hear my back crack as I look back at the beanie bag that Rainbow Dash was sleeping on.

"Do you have a spare one of those? Seriously, those are comfy."

* * *

Turns out she did. I went ahead and laid down on it, getting comfortable, while I read one of the library's many books. Well, the first thing I should read is history, right? What were the things that happened in the past? Did ponies ever have wars? What were their tactics? Were said wars replaced with something else, like World Party II, as done by Doctor Whooves Adventures? And what exactly were these beanie bags made of?

My book of choice was 'Practical Magic: A Revised Edition'. Which probably wasn't very helpful to answer the questions I had, but I had a fucking book on magic.

Screw your logic, I had a magic book.

My stomach grumbled, but I ignored it. This is Equestria, and I'll deal with hunger problems tomorrow. I'm going to be eating a lot of apples soon.

Just realized, I'd probably be reading this to sleep. Well, it's not like I'd be going anywhere. I want to finish this entire library, just like Elementary School.

And hopefully be able to talk to Celestia on events from the future, since she probably planned it. Or talk about magic and research with Twilight.

Oh damn. It's too dark to read anyway. I'll just hold it while I sleep.

'Twilight Sparkle's ascension into an alicorn, did you plan this?'

'Why yes I did. With my sister's return, politics come in and complain about a lot of things. Twilight's ascension allows for her to take some much needed weight off her back, so that she can learn and get into the swing of things. And Twilight can take the extra workload.'

'Uh. How about Dis-'

Discord.

/awake

I bolt upright. I've completely forgotten about Discord. And they just finished Season 1. Season 2's Opening was Discord. Oh damnation. I want my mind good and properly re-

Wait a second.

"Where the hell am I now?!"

Fancy windows, red and golden griffin decorations, and definitely not in a tree library asleep on a beanie bag. I note my hands still held Twilight's Practical Magic: A Revised Edition (unopened because I was thinking too much to read anyway), which means it wasn't in particular a dream, or I was connected to both areas. Or something that sounded rather clever but really wasn't.

I get off the bed, and start pacing again.

"I need to get back, I completely forgot about the damn reality warper." I mutter to myself out loud.

Dictating things out loud always helped my thinking. Let's try it.

"Alright. Time to state what I know. I popped into My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I fell out of the sky. First issue. Where was my entry point?"

I thought about where I was. I was right under Rainbow Dash's house, and the clouds were cold as hell to fall through.

"Alright, that answer's not going to come easy. I could have came from above or inside her house. Alright. How did I get there?"

Getting to Equestria, I have no idea. Getting here? That one seems a bit easy. Obviously, I was in Twilight's home. Perhaps a misspelled Teleport that ricocheted off the walls and hit me?

"So, first answer to getting there, no idea. Getting here? Most likely answer, Twilight accidentally a teleport spell. Joy."

"And the last question necessary. Where am I?"

I look aro-

I was in a girl's dormitory. Pacing in the very center of said dormitory. I guessed as much, because they're all girls. Human girls. Definitely not ponies anymore. And there was the same uniform everywhere. Ergo, in a school.

Also, they were staring at me, wondering how the hell I got here.

"Oh. Revisit question two. How the fuck did I get here?"

_Because we sure as hell don't know._

* * *

OMAKE: This is a dream, right? Nah, this is gravity.

Damn, it's cold.

What's causing it?

Wind?

Oh, hey. We're falling.

Well, this is an odd dream. I don't think I've ever had a dream where I'm falling from the sky. I mean, ever since I accidentally came across My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, it's been ponies, ponies, ponies.

_You even have an inside voice based off your favorite pony. Good for you._

God damn, this feels just like the real thing. I look downwards, and-

Is that a mailbox? On top of a hill with nobody near it?

_That looks familiar. Why does it look so familiar?_

Uh. What? Am I landing in private property or something?

_I dunno, probably._

Well, I wonder if this dream gives me a location from where I fell from?

_Well, why not?_

I turn in midair and-

That's a cloud house. A pretty damn large house. Made of clouds.

_Hey, look! Rainbow Dash's house! Explains the familiar feeling._

Looks like ponies again, I guess.

_I blame all the times we fell asleep reading fanfiction._

Well, I guess it's time to land.

_This looks like it's going to hurt._

I hope this doesn't hu-

_Wait a tic, this is re-_

*WHUMP!*

* * *

Rainbow Dash had her good days and bad days, just like everypony else. Getting blown off by the Wonderbolts and trying to deal with the avalanche of animals was definitely considered a bad day. 'Best Night Ever' my-

*WHUMP!*

What was that? It sounds like something landed hard, like her practicing her Sonic Rainboom.

*yawn*

Well, time to go look outside.

With the speed of her future pet, she gets off her very comfortable cloud bed, and look under her house.

And vomits.

Under her house was a splatter of what used to be a human male falling from her house at the altitude of 214 fetlocks*.

BAD END

* * *

*fetlocks - ponyism for foot measurement

Author's Note: Yes, I actually do fall asleep with all those items in my jacket pockets, and yes, I fall asleep with my jacket on. The metal chain is also something I fall asleep with it on, as well. No, I was not aware of how much stuff I had in my pockets when I fall asleep until I wrote that. Holy shit, I have a lot of things on me.


	2. Chapter 2: A Magical Awakening

"Quick question before you girls do your deserved screaming for a random adult male appearing in your bedchambers, where am I?"

Wait a second.

"Griffins? Is this the Griffin Kingdom?"

_No, you dolt. These are humans, not griffins._

"Nevermind, that's wrong. Definitely not MLP's Griffin Kingdom."

I look back at Twilight's Practical Magic: A Revised Edition. Then back at the girls.

Wait. Magic. Griffins.

Gryffindor.

"Is there somebody named Hermione Granger here, then?"

The girl closest to me, a brown haired, bushy haired girl about half a foot shorter than me widened her eyes.

_Yeah, that was pretty obvious once I remembered her description._

"You're shorter than I expected, actually. Wait. What year is it?" Seriously. It could be Year 1, 2, 3, I dunno Definitely not last, though, since that means she wouldn't be here.

"Uh, 1993." One of the other girls, one blonde haired girl responded.

"Right. 1993. What is the school year in comparison to when Harry Potter started at this school?" Because I completely forgot what year Harry Potter started, anyway.

"What, why?" There was a notable confusion from everybody there from my question. I think my plan right now is to confuse the fuck out of them so they don't scream in terror, while getting information out.

"Technical time travel, I think. One moment, I was sleeping on a beanie bag over at the Golden Oaks Library, and now I'm here. Seeing that the library was home to a mage who could travel back in time with her own spell a whole week, as well as being able to teleport while dancing, I could have been privy to an accidental spell firing."

_That is so much bullshit and you know it. Twilight would have been distracted with a letter to Celestia about you long before she did testing on dimensional spells._

Ee-yup.

_It was most likely the same thing that brought you to Equestria in the first place._

Shhh. They don't know that.

"It's his second year." A black haired, Indian girl responded this time. Huh. I just noticed, five girls are here.

"The Chamber of Secrets? Huh."

"Wait, you know about the Chamber of Secrets?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, although I don't know if my information's correct. After all, this could be a universe where I don't know, Sirius Black was actually guilty for his crimes or something, instead of being framed or Scabbers the rat is actually a rat instead of Peter Pettigrew the rat ani...ani...something I can't remember right now."

"Animagus." Hermione again. That one was given, I guess.

"Yep, that's the word. Unregistered animagus, like James Potter and Sirius Black."

Alright. I think I dumped enough befuddling future information to help things speed along.

"Alright. Now you can do your warranted screaming. McGonagall should be-"

...staring with her wand drawn towards me at the door entrance. Both the girls and me note this at the exact same time.

This may or may not end well. Signs point to no, but I shall punch those signs and write yes all over them. With permanent marker.

"Hi, I'm a stranger. Can I leave now?" Smooth.

"Who are you and what are you doing in the 2nd Year Girl's Dormitory?" She was definitely not happy with my presence. I wouldn't be happy with a random adult in a young girl's dormitory either.

"I am a person, and I have no idea what, how, and why I'm doing here. I did just get when and where, though, so it's not a complete loss."

"What is your real name?"

"Ma'am. I'm not born yet. My birthday's next year." Completely true, and also completely not the reason why I'm not telling her. Nobody wants to screw with temporal laws, though, so I think I should be safe.

"What is your name?" she repeats with a harsher tone to her voice.

"I apologize, but I'm not born yet. I'm not taking chances that I never do get born. Heh. Adversely removed from the timeline by my actions, pretty sure there's a movie there somewhere." The lies, they flow with such ease~.

"Alright. Come with me, I'm taking you to the Headmaster."

"Oooh! Sooner than I expected. Maybe I can get Sirius free via actual legal means instead of him breaking out of jail next year in fear his godson would get hurt."

The professor stared at me.

"Nobody has broken out of Azkaban." she states sternly.

"Nobody has broken out of Azkaban yet. Plus, I'm from a future. You would think I'd know." I respond with a cheeky smile. Technically true, I'm born next year. And technical truths are the best truths.

"A future?"

"Yep. A future. Never liked saying the future, that means there's only one path to take, which means if you screw up, you're doomed, which completely negates the original reasons of time travel. Fixing things."

I was never this good at making things up off the top of my head. Something's off.

_And it was only rarely that I could have a complete conversation with you. This is more equivalent to a second consciousness than an accidentally created muse._

That too.

_Well, don't punch the gift giver in the face. Use it for now, and figure it out later._

"Alright. Now, I would like to speak to three particular students and the Headmaster. Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger. Mainly because all my possible future knowledge revolves around them. And said knowledge can easily be incorrect just because I poked somebody, annoyed them, which causes a chain reaction until it ends with a petrification, or worse, death."

I shrug.

"I'm hoping this change will be worth it. If it's before the third year, that means Potter's godfather has a chance to be freed. There's a bunch of other major changes too, but spoilers."

I stop and think for a second. Then grin.

"Speaking of spoilers. Basilisk. There's your Year 2 spoiler. The monster of the year is basilisk."

* * *

Our walk to the Headmaster's office wasn't very active. Most of the dialog was me bitching about the cold.

I hate being cold, and I'm very susceptible to being cold. I live in Florida. I wear a leather jacket, fingerless gloves, and long pants to sleep specifically for the reason that I hate being cold. Two days ago, I took my dog out in the middle of the night, and if anybody was awake during that time, they would have heard me swearing up and down about how god damn cold it was.

Therefore, now that I'm in Hogwarts, in a portion of Earth where it snowed, during Winter?

I wasn't happy.

Of course, since there's three children RIGHT next to me while I was freezing my ass off, I used Equestrian-styled swears instead. (I am freezing my flank off in this Celestia-forsaken cold!")

Don't think that was any better, actually, come to think of it.

I think the kids had a lot of fun at my expense, too. I'm actually fine with that. I'd laugh at me too, if I wasn't too busy being FUCKING COLD.

They (meaning Hermione and McGonagall) actually tried to apply heating charms to my clothes too, but they pretty much had no effect. I wonder if my vulnerability to cold is that horrible, or the magic can't touch my jacket, or me, in that matter.

Something to test later. Possibly with a stunner or something. Don't want to test lethal attacks, like the Avada Kedavra. Instant death, no save spells are bitches.

* * *

Now actually AT the gargoyle in front of the Headmaster's Office, I was feeling rather nervous. Now I could say my hands were shaking for two different reasons. One was the cold (FUCK YOU COLD) and the second was actual nerves.

Alright. You can do this. You know everybody in the room, some even more than they know themselves. You know almost everybody's secrets. You know the possible future. You know a shitload of witches and wizards are going to be persecuted, because Umbitch exists.

You know things.

Let's abuse that fact, shall we?

The good professor spoke the password (Lemon Drop), and knocking on the actual doors, in we go..

"Hello, Professor McGonagall, why have you brought in these guests?" he asked cordially.

"This young sir wanted to speak with you." the teacher replied, pointing her hand towards me.

Holy shit. It's fucking Albus Dumbledore.

It didn't really connect until now, actually. I can blatantly see the fact he lived over a century already, and is still going.

"Uh. Um. Give me a bit, I'm actually overwhelmed." I say honestly.

"I mean, you really don't meet legends on a day-to-day basis. I met Twilight yesterday, and I meet you today."

"Twilight? Who is this Twilight?" His eyes twinkled, I noted. That's actually kinda cool-looking.

"Uh, she's a very powerful mage. Shorter than me, but probably either as powerful, or more powerful as Harry, and with your kind of control. I'm actually basing this off of a feat of power that Harry does next year. Or may do next year."

"What is this feat of power you speak of?"

"He repelled over 50 Dementors with a Patronus. Truthfully, I think if it's powerful enough to reflect that many Dementors, it might be able to incinerate one at close proximity that can't move." I grinned at the last sentence.

Dementors are nigh-indestructible creatures that suck the souls out of people and bring nothing but insanity and sadness. They even have an aura of horror around them, making people remember their worst memory, just by being near them. There is no good point about them.

I wonder if they could survive being inside the Sun? Things to test later.

"Speaking of Dementors, I have good news that is also horrible news at the same time. Sirius Black is most likely innocent of crimes related to murder and betrayal. This is good news as in he's innocent. It's horrible news as in he's still in Azkaban reliving finding out that James and Lily Potter died because he swapped being Secret Keeper with Peter Pettigrew and Peter was a rat."

Dumbledore's subtle smile died almost immediately.

"Sirius is also Harry's godfather."

"This is information learned next year, by the way."

"Why are you telling us so much, anyway?" McGonagall asked.

"If the timeline goes as normal, every single known muggleborn and some half-bloods are going to be persecuted under the idea that they stole magic, and are sentenced to Azkaban. This may or may not include children, I don't remember. I'm going to rip the timeline a new one to avoid that, because I'm not supposed to be here anyway."

I hated that part of Harry Potter. I may have glazed over it when I read it the first time, but after a few other reads, I noticed. And by any deity, I swear, it shall never happen while I know I can do something about it.

"What was your first plan, anyway?"

I take off the metal zip-chain from my belt, and extend it about a foot.

_Be polite. Be efficient. Plan to kill everyone you meet. Team Fortress 2's Sniper does really make a good point._

"Assassinate Dolores Umbridge." I say bluntly.

Gasps from everybody was pretty much a given. Although, they did say first plan, not best plan.

I let go of the chain, letting it reel back in, and put the metal zip-chain back on my belt as I continue my reasoning.

"She's such a fantastic racist that I would say Voldemort is more fair about muggleborn treatment than she is. Plus, she's in a seat of power, being the current Senior Under-Secretary. In addition, she's actually fairly powerful, has no qualms about torturing children, and has a silver tongue to get her out of trouble. If it wasn't for Voldemort being a lich, making it a pain in the ass to actually kill him permanently, I'd say focus all efforts on her to eliminate her being a threat."

I think she was the first character I ever hated so completely, I had plans upon plans to kill her. I mean, it's normal to plan to kill the villains that were complete bitches, but she had figurative boards upon boards.

Now that I think about it, that's probably not healthy thoughts to have when you're a child in your formative years. Ah well. I didn't think I'd have the ability to act them out though.

_That's odd. I don't remember such hatred myself. Or at least, to that extent. She's a bitch, but she's a bitch like Matilda's principle was a bitch. Stupid and easily beatable with planning._

...You're right. Although, I might need to push forward with this chain of thought more.

"The problem about her is less that she's such a bitch, and more that she's STILL in a position of power while being such a bitch. This implies horrible things about the corruption in the Ministry of Magic."

"Still, when faced with a being that can't be redeemed, best to make sure it can't do harm. I mean, I'd totally go for an eternal imprisonment for her, if anybody could bring up the evidence that she's done wrong. There were only two pieces of evidence that could be found against her, as far as I know, and that's her command of Dementors attacking Harry's residence, and her near-usage of the Crucio on Harry Potter, both on his fifth year, I think."

"I think that justifies my first plan. I'm not going for it, though, because there's no way I could find her anyway."

Plus, I have no idea if I could even go through with the plan. Human monsters are still human. I don't know if I could kill a human.

Correction: I know I can, but could I deal with it?

Answer: Probably. She's that much of a bitch.

"Right, right. That was the first plan, because you must plan the worst idea before coming with better ones. Because seriously, assassinating a ministry official in her own office without any kind of stealth training is just stupid."

"I actually haven't came up with a better plan though. It's literally the easiest way, too, seeing that she doesn't even have security in her office. The plan's most likely not going to be executed, it's just there for you to gawk at, since murder is a bad thing. Uh. Any non-lethal takedowns of a witch that can be employed?"

* * *

I cannot brain today, I have the dumb.

My assassination plan was completely taken down, by me and everybody else there. For obvious reasons (It's illegal. Duh.). I think I may or may not need to reassess my mind afterwards, that should not have been the first thought.

At all.

The first plan should have been public humiliation using Polyjuice Potions to display complete incompetence in her job, while displaying her complete biased actions towards others. Public humiliation instead of martyring her.

Did I get more bloodthirsty?

This is something to conside-

_What do you mean, something to consider? Something fucked with your mind! Your personality is off! I literally shouldn't be able to yell at you, I'm your muse! THAT is PROOF!_

Something. To. Consider. My main portion of my personality is still the same, and that's what counts. I can predict what I can do in the future, I just need more watching.

_You planned assassination attempts on a government official. Less than an hour after coming into this world. Without ever meeting her. You are NOT the Sniper. You don't plan to kill everyone you meet. _

As I said. More watching. Plus, it was with a garrote, not a long-ranged headshot. That's definitely more Spy than Sniper.

In any case, the target plan. Which is actually none, since my first plan gave such a bad impression.

"I apologize for my words earlier. I think something tampered with my mind, actually. I know I would have planned an attack on Umbridge, but this is definitely not the time for her to be taken down, anyway."

Hermione started, "You seem like a nice guy, but…"

"You're bloody whacked." Ron finished for her bluntly.

Harry nodded silently.

Yeah, I fucked that up. Speaking so cleanly of assassination and murder, I'd be scared of me too. Well, normally.

"I think that was obvious from how easily I spoke of such things. I didn't even get to discuss the things I needed to, like Voldemort's lichdom, or ways to prevent future deaths, like Sirius Black's."

"And what ways are those, anyway?" Harry asked.

"I find almost every single person that you know personally that died, died of extremely stupid circumstances that are easily avoidable. Don't stand and laugh at the crazy bitch cousin while you're standing next to an artifact of death. Don't put on Voldemort's blatantly cursed ring in his own ancestral home. It's mainly common sense, actually."

"It is a known fact that most witches and wizards have no common sense. If you do have common sense in this world, combined with being able to do magic, you'd probably be the next best known wizard in the world other than Merlin."

I should be a preacher when I get back home. So much RANT.

_You are __**atheist**__._

So?

* * *

Back at the Gryffindor common room, I sat down at a table, with the ballpoint pen I found in my jacket pocket in my left hand, as I tried to write down a small list of things that aren't right on a piece of parchment. Twilight's Practical Magic: A Revised Edition was to the right of the parchment, taking a good portion of my side of the table, being as large and thick as a chemistry textbook. Good thing it was hardback, it would have been a pain to carry otherwise..

- My first idea to deal with a corrupt official was murder on an actual person, when it should have been public humiliation and airing dirty secrets.

- I should have been freaking out in Equestria, yet I took it in like drinking tea on the afternoon.

- My muse is fully able to communicate on a different thought process than my own.

- I'm actually talking to people.

- I'm less of a sarcastic asshole than my normal self.

- My first thought of "Hey, my mind's fucked with," was "I'll deal with it later".

"Alright. That's actually pretty damn creepy to look at." I say out loud, slightly (_very_) disturbed.

"I should be panicking much harder than I am right now. Did my reactions to being mindfucked change by the action of being mindfucked?" I question myself.

I shrug and respond to my own question. "Meh. Probably."

"Alright. From there, the question is now, how did I get here? Equestria and the Potter-verse don't have very much in common. Potter-verse, the number of protagonists are three. Equestria, there are six protagonists. Here, this is a life of "It gets worse" until the end, where things are still kinda bad, but it got better than the bleak part. Equestria, it's slice of life and occasional save the world from certain doom. There's that Star Swirl the Bearded joke, father of the Amniomorphic spell, also known as a hairy potter. The relation of magic is also non-existent, as there's magic on both sides, but they're completely different. Potter-verse requires evocations to cast spells, and MLP does not. Although, they both share teleport methods.."

"Ugh." I facedesk onto the parchment I'm using.

I look back at the magic book, realizing that, no, I haven't gone ahead and read the shiny book of magic yet. I wish I had my backpack, now. It'd be nice to go ahead and have my full set of items. That way, it'll be easier to carry around too, it's kind of heavy.

My stomach grumbled harder, reminding me that I haven't ate yet. Alright, now I don't really have an excuse, but I really want to get to reading.

. . . Fuck it, I'll see if I can keep reading.

I open the tome, and prepared to read something that would be amazingly awesome in utility, and extremely boring to read, most likely.

Then I realized, I probably can't use magic, anyway.

_Try anyway. there might be a way for you to utilize it later._

"Alrighty, then. Let's see the first chapter. 'Safety with Magic.' Heh. There's no way this will work."

Reading until falling asleep is a go!

* * *

I fell asleep not even halfway through the first chapter, where it was talking about avoiding casting while fatigued and other obvious things. I r goodz at the reeding.

"So. This is odd." I remark. I hear my voice echoing back towards me softly.

I was floating in what looked to be in a bluish void in space, the only sights to be found were far-away stars. Definitely different from 'Scenario, now solve it' dreams I usually have.

"Odd, indeed." a voice from behind spoke. I turn around to face a dark blue alicorn, her bright blue mane waving without any wind to blow through it.

"The odd levels have been doubled." I deadpan. "Princess Luna. Are you a part of my dream, or did I already have a dream and you popped in?"

Princess Luna, Princess of the Night, Protector of Dreams, and that is a really nice mane.

"I 'popped in', so to speak. I was curious on why there was a very weak connection that was pointed towards the town of Ponyville. It wasn't any of the ponies that saved me, nor any of the other ponies that live there, so I went in and investigated." She spoke with a very regal voice, actually. Well, it seems obvious, but still. I'm reminded that the only times I heard her voice constantly was from my brother's ringtone. 'Huzzah!'

"Well, how did you investigate?" I question. I really was curious. What's the first step to checking out a possible threat to the world as per a Princess of Equestria?

"Well, this WAS the first step." Face-check the bush, obviously. I facepalmed.

"You didn't ask any of the Mane 6, question any of the other villagers that saw me walk across with Rainbow Dash, check for any possible threats, before following into a creature's dream that may or may not be dangerous?" I definitely would consider myself dangerous to the universe, although just for my knowledge.

She blushed so slightly that I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't specifically looking for it.

"Nay, we did not, and with you pointing that out, that was foalish of us."

"Damn right. Unknown targets should be treated with care, diplomacy, and backup firepower. For all you knew, it could have been a trap." I say with upmost sincerely.

I then realized that would have been targeted at me.

"I'll keep that in mind." Ah, crap. "So, what were you doing in our fair land of Equestria?"

"I have no idea? I mean, I woke up, almost fell to my death, checked out a book from Twilight's library, and then suddenly not in Equestria." Twilight's library book. "I'll see if I can return said book, though. I don't think I'll be return to Equestria any time soon."

"That was a given, wasn't it?" a third voice spoke from the side.

"Alright, I understand Luna, but how'd you get in?" I asked Twilight Sparkle. I note both ponies were actually able to walk normally in this void of space. Slight envy here, I'm just floating around, only able to turn...

"I'm your muse, idiot." she spoke, annoyed.

Oh. Right. Whoops.

"Speaking of muses, Princess Luna? Do you have any idea what would cause a mental construct to become a full personality?" she questioned.

"A second mind? Truly, you are different from my little ponies. Nay, I have no ideas on what could have caused this. My magics are based on illusions and the nighttime, not on the mind and its many mysteries."

Drat. Wait a sec-

"This is magic-based?" My muse beat me to the question. I wanted to ask, damn it.

"Yes. I wouldn't have been able to contact you if you didn't have magic, and this does not seem to be a natural occurrence. Although, I may be wrong, you are of a completely different species."

I have magic?

Both of me had the same reaction:

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES-

Wait. How?

"My world doesn't have magic. How would I have magic in the first place?" I question, a bit out of breath from the happy yay feeling I get from something good that shouldn't be possible yet happened anyway, like when I trance in games and have perfect aim on everything.

Before Luna could respond to the question, my partner-in-mind spoke.

"Equestria itself and the Elements of Harmony are the most likely culprits. I mean, you were in close proximity to both Loyalty and Magic. Plus, the ambient magic that must be there in Equestria could have jumpstarted a magical system." my muse theorized. She actually got to jump around happily in our little happy-dance, it was almost exactly like the show.

"True. Although, I hope I don't turn into a pony or something. I like my hands."

I'm reminded of a story I read a while back. You Do (Not) Belong, I think it was called. That had the basis of a human turning into a unicorn, as far as I remember. The last I read of it was the guy snapping at Twilight, while under immense pain, due to growing a horn out of his head.

It says something that I'm relying on fanfiction to give me possible information on my situation, doesn't it?

"This also means Twilight's book on magic may or may not be useful. If we have Equestrian magic, then…"

"I may be able to use the basic spells of a unicorn. Or the elemental powers of a pegasus."

"We can only hope." We finish together, our identical grins meeting one another.

"You two seem to have everything under control. Sleep well." With her investigation finished, Luna turned around and floated off into the starry void, fading away.

"That's a bit creepy." I say. My muse nods in response.

Then I notice we're still stuck here until I wake up.

"So. Have a deck of cards?" I ask lamely. Our twin sighs echoed in the void.

* * *

Instead of talking to each other, making up theories on what happened to us and whatnot, both me and pony-me sang random songs.

_"...we are running oh-so-fast!"_

"Fun levels are to the max!"

_"Applejack flys through the air!"_

"Apples fall without a care!"

Clearly, time well spent.

So, when I finally woke up, I was definitely not prepared to be assaulted with guns by three grown men, while I laid down next to one teenaged woman.

"How did you get on this train?" asked the oldest one there, holding an M16. He was wearing a green uniform with matching beret, white hair clearly visible with his beard, and with a cigarette in his mouth. The name tag on his uniform said Overbeck. The other two were a bald black man wearing a nice red tie and white shirt, and a biker, with a really nice vest.

Bill. Louis. Francis.

I look over to the lady I just woke up next to, who was still asleep. Red jacket, brown hair. Zoey.

Left 4 Dead.

Fuck.

"Um. I don't know? Don't kill me please? I'm not a carrier or infected." I raise my hands in surrender.

I went from pastel ponies, to wizards, to zombie apocalypse. I fear the next landing.

Beep-boop-beep-boop. Beep-boop-beep-boop.

I hear an alarm come from my jacket pocket. From my iPod, most likely.

This is the worst timing for an alarm. Ever.

Bill cocks his M16 rifle at me.

WORST. TIMING. EVER.


End file.
